Category: Uncategorized

Et tu, Nosferatu?

Dear Dylan,

Are you ready for my latest theory? Nosferatu. Vampire. 

Let’s look at the evidence:

a) You have clearly gone nocturnal. Sleeping during the day and reserving all of your fiendish activity for the night. 

b) You are steadily draining your Mom’s life force during those night-long feedings with your insatiable thirst.

c) Ears. Clearly bat-like and supernatural in proportion. 

I took you out into direct sunlight today while wearing oven mitts, just in case you burst into flames. You didn’t incinerate, nor did you glow or sparkle like in the movies; but you clearly didn’t like it very much.

Listen, I know that dressing all dark and moody and brooding about with pale skin is all the rage these days. It is clear that this works on teenage chicks, but your Mom is really shriveling up on us a bit and I think we are both going to need her for the long haul. 

Can you postpone the feeding on the living stuff a bit, say, until puberty? That would be great. And it will be a lot more useful with the girls then.

Oh, there is the door again. It’s that Van Helsing guy who keeps calling. Wants to pay his respects. I wonder what he wants? 

Love, Dad

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Level up quickly

Dear Dylan,

You picked a fairly ideal setting to grow up. We have a nice place here called Amber wood,  on three and a half acres of rolling woodlands. There is a natural spring that babbles musically down to a swampy bog, with all manner of amphibians and creatures for your viewing and hunting pleasure. I also cut a quarter mile nature trail that loops through it and identified trees and shrubs marked with QR code signs. Your Mom swaps out the destination web pages just to keep us guessing.

I also built two tree houses back in the woods. I would like to build a third, but your Mom has said enough. If you want another we will have to build it under cover of night or something. I have been dreaming about a zip line between them, but I don’t see any way of getting that past your Mother. Maybe you can work on her when you are older. Try to work it into a school extra credit project or something so she can’t say no.

Your sister has populated the trail and woods with all manner of fantastic creatures with her imagination, including the usual complement of fairies and at least one Dragon named Leo and a troll named Snowflake who lives under a bridge I built over the stream. Her latest discovery is something called a Dresden Wood Elf Harpy.. These things are apparently quite fierce and present a bizarre appearance. I have asked her to make a sketch of one for you so you know it if and when you see it.

Your sister and I have been keeping them at bay with magic and weapons over the last year. We look forward to you joining the battle. Your Mom won’t help. She actually looks askance at us when we don capes and swords and spells and potions to go out and do battle. Before you reach manhood I expect you will become very acquainted with the word “askance” and the disapproving look it describes from women of various ages and demeanors. We can talk about coping and avoidance strategies later.

Now, your sister has taken on the noble powers of healing and damage dealing from the “Cleric” class. I took on the “Tank” roll to take all of that nasty Wood Elf Harpy Aggro while she damages and heals. This makes for long fights. It would be great if you could roll a DPS toon. With those elf  ears I imagine you already have some plus ups for agility that will help. If all of this is confusing, please consult a D&D manual or http://www.Thottbot.com

Live long and prosper

Love,

Dad

Frogs and other matters

Dear Dylan,

What the heck was that? I mean, what WAS that in your diaper? It looked like a half-digested frog.

Now, at four days old the book here says you have only had colostrum (whatever that is) and breast milk. Your poop is supposed to go from all black and runny to some green stuff. But I can’t find anything in this book about what you dealt me last night. Unless colostrum is latin for frog. Or maybe salamander

Are you really from the planet Vulcan? Do you scurry out in the middle of the night and gorge yourself on slimy amphibians by our pond? Or did you just realize it was my turn and decide to sacrifice one of your organs just to send me a message about these posts?

Anyway, I have to go to Orlando today. So you be good to your Mom. And know this: I am on to you. 

Live long and prosper. But no more frogs please. Our neighbors can see that pond from their kitchen. 

Love, Dad

 

 

Dear Dylan,

I am in Orlando today. I hope you have not been a terrible burden on your poor Mother in my absence.

It is really hot and humid here. I am surrounded by obese tourists at the airport. I am convinced they somehow contribute to the heat. Don’t grow up to be an obese tourist, son. It reflects poorly on the family and, if you travel abroad, it reflects poorly on America. You should always be neatly turned out for travel. Your Italian Nonna Artena will help you with this.

Love, Dad

 

Dear Dylan,

Speaking of Orlando, you know, we almost named you Orlando. You see, I was hiding from your Mother in the tree house one day drinking scotch (this is our little secret. And don’t judge me. It was the humane thing to do because she was still pregnant with you and it would have been impolite to drink it in front of her) 

I was in the woods and trying to think of point guard or wide receiver names for you. I still think Orlando Boyd sounds really cool. You can almost her the announcers weaving the name into the broadcast. DJ Boyd has a good sports announcer ring as well., but your Mom and I both briefly liked Orlando. It seemed to elicit your Italian heritage and sounds exotic. 

Of course, some of our friends in North Carina said that giving a boy a name like that can turn em gay. That’s how they said it, “turn ’em gay.” then they made this weird face like they were tasting a lemon.

Now, I really don’t think that a name can turn you gay. But That got me to thinking and I do want you to know that if you do turn out gay it is ok with your Mom and me. The important thing is that you find a nice partner who can see beyond those ears. 

But you won’t be able to live in North Carolina. This state made it really clear with a passel of recent legislation that they don’t cotton to people with different ideas about human relationships. 

Come to think of it, I don’t think you can live with your grandparents in Italy either. The Italian piazza is a lovely place, but can be as cruel and judgmental as any hick town in North Carolina. 

What am I talking about? Oh yeah, it is hot here in Orlando. Anyway, I am sure you will be called back to your home planet when it is time to mate anyway, fighting with sharp weapons to that space music among the stars. 

Live long and prosper

Love, Dad

Day Four

Dear Dylan,

I have news. I wanted you to hear this from me first. The thing is, we have decided against circumcision. I know, i know, all the other kids are doing it. But that doesn’t mean you have to. 

You see, your Mom is from Italy, and they don’t really go for that genital mutilation stuff over there. 

And your Dad likes to make decisions based on evidence. I am kind of funny that way. Turns out that the American Society of Pediatricians (or maybe it was the Mormons, I have forgotten) came out about five years ago saying that it was not medically necessary. And now many insurance companies don’t even cover genital mutilation. So, you can save up money and pay for it yourself if it becomes important to you. But we are holding off for now. 

I think you will thank me for this some day. And i think there is a good chance you will be a trend setter in this regard.

Live long and prosper. 

Love, Dad

 

Dear Dylan,

Earlier I mentioned that your Mom is Italian. And not the kind from Jersey Shore who pronounces Bruschetta – Brewshetta (I noticed the Olive Garden commercials are finally getting it right), but a real full blooded Italian born near the Dolomites and about 40 miles from Venice. That makes you half Italian. 

The other bits are German and Scottish, from my mongrel side of the family.. So, you are a Scotch/German/Italian. I guess that means you are destined to be a cheap megalomaniac with a flair for style. We will have to study which of those powers you should level up first.

On the birth certificate form I wanted to mark you down as Latino. My argument was that Italians created the latin language. You would get so many benefits, and likely a few hardships to go along with it, by having that designation. I think it would have been good for you. But your mother was against it, so I checked the box that said white. I know I already told you that white male is the easiest setting to play the game of life. Try to make the best of it.

There was no box to check about Vulcan ears. 

Live long and prosper.

Love, Dad

Day Three

Dear Dylan, 

I have been under a bit of stress and a little sleep deprived. Sorry about complaining about your very understandable needs. I mean, you are only two days old. As a man, I completely understand your wanting to play this stage to the hilt. Please accept my apologies. 

I will, however, your Mother’s remonstrances notwithstanding, not apologize for the comment about Spock ears. It’s the truth and you will just have to learn to live with it. Turn it into a strength somehow. You know, Hitler only had one testicle.

Love,

Dad

 

 

Dear Dylan,

Your Mom didn’t like me bringing up Hitler and posting it on Facebook. Hopefully the Interwebs spider search algorithms won’t forever jointly tag you two. What I was trying to say is that a weakness often brings forth compensating forces. So, in a way, you should be thankful for those freakish ears. 

Come on, you have blonde hair and probably blue eyes and an athletic build for a two day old. You have an awesome Dad. You will do alright

Love,

Dad

 

Dear Dylan,

Mom wanted me to add a reminder that you have an awesome Mom too. She said something about the definition of awesome is really when a woman goes through the pains of child birth naturally without the help of modern medicine etc etc yadda yadda yadda. You know how she can go on about herself. But you and I know the truth. We guys have to stick together.

Oh, and she also said I can’t call your ears freakish anymore. I am sure you will grow into them, or get a cool gig with a sci fi punk band or something

Live long and prosper.

Love, Dad

Day Two

Dear Dylan,

For the first two days of your life you have been very cool. I have been calling you Chillin’ Dylan because you don’t cry like we expected you to and you are so relaxed. But last night I feel you were starting to get a little greedy and whiny about your need for human contact and seemingly constant flow of breast milk. As your Dad I just want you to know that you might want to dial that back a bit.

Also, you have Spock ears, so get off your high horse.

Dad