Nine Months

Dear Dylan,

Today marks nine months on Planet Earth for you. You were born in the year of the Dragon. It is now the Chinese year of some other creature, but the Dragon fire is with you still. You are definitely more of a handful than your sister. You are prone to temper tantrums, usually assuaged by shoveling more organic pureed food into your insatiable maw. You are officially ginormous. I had never heard a doctor use that term before, but it seems apt. At nine months you are 32 inches tall/long and 22 lbs.

I did want to discuss one issue with you. I understand completely that children of your age have a tendency to explore this brave new world with your mouths. But everything does not need to go into your mouth to be appreciated. Your poor mother is in a constant state of anxiety policing the environment for small objects. I think we have a routine and policy now that should prevent any major mis-ingestions in the house. Outside is another matter.

You see, we now have what you would call a deer-resistant garden. It didn’t start out that way. We once had a large number of plants of varying species. Since the dogs have passed on to chase unnamed things across eternal fields together, the deer have grown more bold and have culled everything remotely palatable from our once beautiful landscape. What is left is deer resistant by natural selection. Deer-resistant essentially means so noxious and poisonous that billy goats won’t touch it. This also means it is a fatal landscape for humans. We are left with a garden replete with Daphne and Hellebore. I have seen you eyeing the Hellebore on our walks. I advise against it. Hellebore is used by witches to summon demons. During the Siege of Kirrha in 585 BC, hellebore was reportedly used by the Greek besiegers to poison the city’s water supply. The defenders were subsequently so weakened by diarrhea that they were unable to defend the city from assault. Just sayin’
Live long and prosper little man.

Love,
Dad

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One thought on “Nine Months

  1. Your Mother asked me to correct the data here. At nine months, you are actually 24lbs. You may want to cut back on the pasta a bit…

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