Frogs and other matters

Dear Dylan,

What the heck was that? I mean, what WAS that in your diaper? It looked like a half-digested frog.

Now, at four days old the book here says you have only had colostrum (whatever that is) and breast milk. Your poop is supposed to go from all black and runny to some green stuff. But I can’t find anything in this book about what you dealt me last night. Unless colostrum is latin for frog. Or maybe salamander

Are you really from the planet Vulcan? Do you scurry out in the middle of the night and gorge yourself on slimy amphibians by our pond? Or did you just realize it was my turn and decide to sacrifice one of your organs just to send me a message about these posts?

Anyway, I have to go to Orlando today. So you be good to your Mom. And know this: I am on to you. 

Live long and prosper. But no more frogs please. Our neighbors can see that pond from their kitchen. 

Love, Dad



Dear Dylan,

I am in Orlando today. I hope you have not been a terrible burden on your poor Mother in my absence.

It is really hot and humid here. I am surrounded by obese tourists at the airport. I am convinced they somehow contribute to the heat. Don’t grow up to be an obese tourist, son. It reflects poorly on the family and, if you travel abroad, it reflects poorly on America. You should always be neatly turned out for travel. Your Italian Nonna Artena will help you with this.

Love, Dad


Dear Dylan,

Speaking of Orlando, you know, we almost named you Orlando. You see, I was hiding from your Mother in the tree house one day drinking scotch (this is our little secret. And don’t judge me. It was the humane thing to do because she was still pregnant with you and it would have been impolite to drink it in front of her) 

I was in the woods and trying to think of point guard or wide receiver names for you. I still think Orlando Boyd sounds really cool. You can almost her the announcers weaving the name into the broadcast. DJ Boyd has a good sports announcer ring as well., but your Mom and I both briefly liked Orlando. It seemed to elicit your Italian heritage and sounds exotic. 

Of course, some of our friends in North Carina said that giving a boy a name like that can turn em gay. That’s how they said it, “turn ’em gay.” then they made this weird face like they were tasting a lemon.

Now, I really don’t think that a name can turn you gay. But That got me to thinking and I do want you to know that if you do turn out gay it is ok with your Mom and me. The important thing is that you find a nice partner who can see beyond those ears. 

But you won’t be able to live in North Carolina. This state made it really clear with a passel of recent legislation that they don’t cotton to people with different ideas about human relationships. 

Come to think of it, I don’t think you can live with your grandparents in Italy either. The Italian piazza is a lovely place, but can be as cruel and judgmental as any hick town in North Carolina. 

What am I talking about? Oh yeah, it is hot here in Orlando. Anyway, I am sure you will be called back to your home planet when it is time to mate anyway, fighting with sharp weapons to that space music among the stars. 

Live long and prosper

Love, Dad

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