Et tu, Nosferatu?

Dear Dylan,

Are you ready for my latest theory? Nosferatu. Vampire. 

Let’s look at the evidence:

a) You have clearly gone nocturnal. Sleeping during the day and reserving all of your fiendish activity for the night. 

b) You are steadily draining your Mom’s life force during those night-long feedings with your insatiable thirst.

c) Ears. Clearly bat-like and supernatural in proportion. 

I took you out into direct sunlight today while wearing oven mitts, just in case you burst into flames. You didn’t incinerate, nor did you glow or sparkle like in the movies; but you clearly didn’t like it very much.

Listen, I know that dressing all dark and moody and brooding about with pale skin is all the rage these days. It is clear that this works on teenage chicks, but your Mom is really shriveling up on us a bit and I think we are both going to need her for the long haul. 

Can you postpone the feeding on the living stuff a bit, say, until puberty? That would be great. And it will be a lot more useful with the girls then.

Oh, there is the door again. It’s that Van Helsing guy who keeps calling. Wants to pay his respects. I wonder what he wants? 

Love, Dad

One thought on “Et tu, Nosferatu?

  1. Richard,

    I advise you to NOT trust Dylan quite yet. “Cradle” vampires are much more tolerant of sunlight than “converts.” I wouldn’t feel too safe around it until its teeth come in. Fangs don’t lie. Until you see a full rack of relatively smooth, flat cuspids, I’d crucifix up, dump plenty of Holy Water in to its wipey container, and only refer to it as “it” until you’re 100% sure that baby ain’t on “night patrol” (if you know what I mean).

    Dominus Vobiscum,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s