Are you ready for my latest theory? Nosferatu. Vampire.
Let’s look at the evidence:
a) You have clearly gone nocturnal. Sleeping during the day and reserving all of your fiendish activity for the night.
b) You are steadily draining your Mom’s life force during those night-long feedings with your insatiable thirst.
c) Ears. Clearly bat-like and supernatural in proportion.
I took you out into direct sunlight today while wearing oven mitts, just in case you burst into flames. You didn’t incinerate, nor did you glow or sparkle like in the movies; but you clearly didn’t like it very much.
Listen, I know that dressing all dark and moody and brooding about with pale skin is all the rage these days. It is clear that this works on teenage chicks, but your Mom is really shriveling up on us a bit and I think we are both going to need her for the long haul.
Can you postpone the feeding on the living stuff a bit, say, until puberty? That would be great. And it will be a lot more useful with the girls then.
Oh, there is the door again. It’s that Van Helsing guy who keeps calling. Wants to pay his respects. I wonder what he wants?